Do you ever feel tongue tied when leaving a comment on social media?
In a recent discussion on Instagram and the blog, many of you said that you aren’t sure what to say when commenting, especially when it’s a post where a minority has shared their life experience, and you don’t want to say the wrong thing. Maybe you worry about putting your foot in your mouth or making it about yourself. Don’t worry, we’ve got some suggestions for you!
First of all, how beautiful that you want to do the right thing! I think this is a case where perfect is the enemy of good—better to do your best and make the author feel supported. With that in mind, here are a few simple replies that you could use in many situations!
“Thank you for this post.“
This was a suggestion from a reader, and it’s brilliant! Simple, positive, and uncomplicated! Variations would be “Thank you for putting the time into explaining this to me” or “Thank you for the work you do.”
“This gives me food for thought.“
It’s ok to still be thinking through things! Sometimes all I can say is, “I’m going to come back and reread this so I can process it fully.” Likewise, you can say, “I never thought of it this way before.”
“I appreciate the opportunity to learn from you.“
I’m not going to lie, I’m watching Star Trek: The Next Generation as I write this, and Picard just said something to this effect. Take it from a (fictional) career diplomat! Acknowledging that you are learning is always a good approach.
Now, before I ask for your suggestions on safe and supportive comments, I’d like to talk about the elephant in the room: What happens when you DO accidentally say the wrong thing? I have certainly done it many times before, and often you don’t even know it’s coming. Luckily, the answer is simple: Listen. Acknowledge. Apologise without making excuses. Don’t do it again. In 9 years of active blogging, this has always worked for me. Trouble only starts when you double down, and that’s very simple to avoid!
I sincerely hope that this is helpful for any of the people who mentioned that they want to respond to our posts but aren’t sure what to say. It’s totally fine not to comment, though—you are a valued member of the community no matter how you participate. I’d love to hear from you what your go-to comments are when you don’t know quite what to say, and how you deal with the fear of saying the wrong thing. Let’s learn from each other!
This is such a thoughtful post! As a previously able-bodied person who lives with chronic conditions plus ADHD, I have become acutely aware of how ableist I myself have been in the past, and how much this is a blind spot for many people. Much like the comments people of color and people in larger bodies endure, some of the comments are difficult to process. Comments like “this is so flattering on you!” (erm, no, it just shows the general outline of my body instead of hiding my every curve, thanks) are well-known among us who have curves.
But so often, people assume another person has the focus to do tedious tasks, or finds tasks that are simple for them simple, too. I’m here to tell you: I haven’t met a to do list yet that I haven’t misplaced or forgotten altogether… If I had a penny for every time some well-meaning person commented “you JUST have to….” I would be a millionaire (this is barely an exaggeration, sadly, because I wasn’t diagnosed until age 42!). Assuming that there is a simple solution to someone’s problems (or that they don’t experience problems because you don’t) is akin to assuming that all people who have larger bodies want to lose weight or are not fit, and commenting “you JUST have to eat less/work out more.” SIGH.
What it all boils down to in my view: Assuming that what is simple for you is simple for everyone is seeing the world through your privileged lens. A lens that can be white/comfortable with your body/able-bodied/thin/energetic/free of cultural and personal trauma, and many more things, of course. It’s important not to blame yourself when you are privileged, because part of the human condition to see the world through your skewed lens, especially for those of us who are privileged in all or most areas. But we can at least try to learn about perspectives and experiences that are not our own – which, in my experience, makes life that much richer!
What I found most helpful, and also brave of you, is that you shared an example of your experiencing “foot-in-mouth syndrome” so that others can learn from your mistakes. We are ALL going to make plenty of them, but you’ve shown how you can be gracious about receiving feedback, and that you can learn from your mistakes. Thank you for that!
You’ve put this beautifully. Thank you.
What a beautiful comment, Hilde! This line sticks out to me, “Assuming that what is simple for you is simple for everyone is seeing the world through your privileged lens.” There are so many reasons that something might be more complicated that it seems. THank you.
You realize in a post about ableism, you said “blind spot”? Please be mindful of language.
Thank you so much! I didn’t realize, and I’m sorry. I’ll think of a better way to phrase it!
That’s a brilliant idea to give your readers some suggestions of comments, as it happens quite often to be amazed by a post but not very inspired or missing words to give a positive feedback to an author. So thank you Gillian, I love the approach !
I hope it’s helpful for someone next time they don’t know how to show support! I still find myself tongue tied sometimes too.
Like your comment, “I’m such a teacher.” You are, and as your reader that’s what I appreciate about you. Your continued work to make everyone feel heard and included, your clarity of expression, and your willingness to share are some more of your wonderful teacher qualities.
Aww, thank you Deborah! That made my day. <3
Great ideas – simple thank yous and statements of appreciation go a long way.
Exactly! The kindness of the sewing community is our strength! (And thank YOU for being a Sewcialists since the very beginning!)
Aw thanks. It’s great to see you. I hope you’re and your family are well.
What I am tried of is when everyone thinks the posts can only be positive. What can the blogger or the community learn if everything is seen through rose colored glasses. Maybe I think this way because people don’t think twice about knocking me down but OH No I better watch my words. Happy Creating. Stay Safe and Health.
I think there is a difference between seeing things with rose-coloured glasses and trying to say things well. This post came about because people said they weren’t commenting when they didn’t know the right thing to say, so we wanted to share some simple ways to let the author know their voice was heard. I agree though, that there is no point pretending that everything is perfect all the time – constructive criticism and calling people in when they err is always important!
Gillian, you’re the best kind of teacher: clear, kind, encouraging of self-expression, providing gentle guidance–and making it clear that you’re more than happy to continue learning. Compassionate–and not a pushover–a great combo!
Awww, thank you! My parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents were all teachers, so it runs deep in the blood! <3
Thank you Gillian! Appreciate your work and wisdom keeping the Sewcialists going forward.
Aww, thank you! I appreciate it! (I’m realising the awkward truth about writing a post like this is that then people practice by saying thanks you, and I’m going to practice accepting thanks graciously! 😉
I still don’t understand why there was any brouhaha over your “all poses” post. I fully cop to almost never taking front/side/back photos myself, because I am lazy AF, & I don’t really use my Insta for actual pattern reviews. It’s more like a record of my makes, & I don’t need images of all the views for that. If I WAS posting full on reviews, I would try to post all the views. It’s important.
I’m in fashion design school right now, & our construction classes involve sewing up patterns provided by the school. I’m not entirely sure who created them–the director, maybe? They’re proprietary to the school though, not, like, everyone make this Simplicity pattern. As the classes advance, we get more options. I’m taking Shirtmaking right now & we could choose from a classic button-up with fish-eye darts or tucks, three sleeve lengths, & three collar options, or a more trendy, boxy high-low button-up with three sleeve options, three collar options, & optional front & back tucks. I chose the boxy shirt, but the problem is that there were no photos of what the long sleeves look like. I have to sew a sleeve cuff & placket for my grade, since I’m a certificate student (some of the folks in the class are just community members who are auditing, so it’s totally up to their own personal sense of style as to how to do the sleeves, collars, et al). Based on the pattern shape, the long sleeve seems to be absolutely bananas on the boxy style, so all the students who chose the pattern are doing short sleeves & doing a separate cuff/placket sample for the grade.
One of the students did find an image of the shirt with the long sleeves buried on a random page on the school website that could only be accessed va a deep dive into some obscure Googling. But even in that photo, the sleeves are rolled up! All we can do is speculate about what they look like & it’s really annoying. You’d think a FASHION SCHOOL would know to show us all the options.
All of that is beside the point of this post though, haha.